Insanity Monday: Toilet Paper

OK, first, my apologies for writing a post such as this (unless you like it, then I am totally not sorry) but, look at this!

That's some HUGE toilet paper!

Consumerism at it's best. Or, sad necessity?

Isn't it just, HUGE? It's like toilet paper on 'roids! Steroids that is...

This roll might not be necessary for someone with roids...

They need lots of fiber first.

THEN they would need this roll. And some prayer.

Man, that is so HUGE! I saw the pack of 6 and I was all, I have to buy these! I have never seen anything like it! I wonder if it will fit in the dispenser?

I haven't tried yet. I am still staring at it.

At first I thought my toilet would be scared of a roll like this. Then I realized my toilet is not scared of me so, why should it be afraid of a big roll of toilet paper?

Because for SURE I am going to use too much...

Way too much.

The amount of toilet paper you use directly correlates to the size of the roll, not necessarily the size of your excrement...

HUGE!

Now, I am sure you all have TV and have seen these colossal rolls on commercials somewhere but, I have not so don't tell me these have been around for like, two years or ask me, "where have you been kim, using an outhouse in Siberia?" because I bet you're all busy unplugging your toilets from using your colossal TP rolls...

Think back though to how efficient and practical these rolls would have been in HS.

Yeah, I know you're all green now and wouldn't TP a house and waste good wiping paper.

I wouldn't because I am a nice person. Er something. Maybe I was never invited to TP a house. Or maybe I am scared of the dark, or like, trees. I don't know.

But you all know, bigger is better! More is the way to go! Soon, toilet paper will be as big as this:



Until then watch this (thanks to Vanessa over at Much More Than Mommy. We bond over stuff like this...):

Writhing on the Floor Eating Carpet Fibers Gets You the Cord You Need!

OK, man...

So my computer cord BUSTED like, three days ago. And it was pure.hell. I mean it.

That cord. I unplugged and replugged it, took it apart, put it back together, blew on it, looked at it, smashed it against my fist, smashed it on the floor, then went up to hubby crying, "THE LAPTOP CORD IS TOTALLY BUSTED! AAAAAAAAAAACK!"

After trying every fancy troubleshooting technique that I did, he sprung into action. Forget his meetings, the deadlines on papers, students calling and emailing about the upcoming class simulation...he knew if he didn't handle this situation immediately he would have a wife who was barfing up a lung while riding the ceiling fan. He flew out of the house saying something to the effect of , "OKI'llgogetonerightnowbecauseIknowyoureallyneeditandIdon'twantyoutogetMAD!"

That's right man.

So he left. I wandered around the house. Thinking, should I clean? Talk to the kids? Clean? What the heck do I do?

I wimpered as I put a dish in the dishwasher and decided to start school with the kids. Man, I couldn't even set up the cool computer programs so I could like, sit around while they learned math. IT WAS TERRIBLE!

Then, Josh called.

Josh: "Um, they have a universal cord for $90 at Wal Mart."

ME: "WHAT? Is ANYTHING at Wal Mart $90? For serious? That is ridiculous! Dell does this on purpose you know. They make cheap crap on purpose so we have to buy it over and over and over again and it takes WEEKS to get anything replaced because you have to call some remote village on the Australian Coast to get it!"

Josh: "I'll check Best Buy."

I walked around the house, mumbling strange things. A dear friend finally called me, saving me from my plan to ride the ceiling fan, and she consoled me as we lamented what we could be typing about on IM at that very moment, had my stupid cord not busted.

So I did laundry.

Josh called back.

Josh: "They don't have them"

Me: "Oh of COURSE they don't have them! You know why? Dell is run by the Mafia! They are I tell you! They want to control all the Dell accessories to make sure I sell my soul to the Corleone Family, causing me to fall into a life of petty crime in order to satisfy my computer addiction!"

Josh: "The Corleone Family is fictional."

Me: "Yeah??? Well??? BLARGING CRIPES!"

Josh came home. My eyes were swollen from crying, the kids were eating chocolate chips and cutting out pictures from old Dell magazines, taping them to my forehead.

Josh called Dell directly.

Dell Representative: "This is Dell how can I help you?"

Josh: *whispering* "Help me. Please. Help me..."

Rep: "Excuse me? Are you there?"

Josh: "My wife...I'm scared. Please, help me."

Rep: "Sir, do you need to call 911?"

Josh: "I have them on the other line. Please. Send me a replacement cord. Hurry. Send it. Now!"

Rep: "Is the laptop under warranty?"

Josh: "Oh no. You're gonna make me talk to her?"

Rep: "Well, if it is, we can replace it for free." Josh slowly walked down the stairs to see me seething and chewing on carpet fibers.

Josh: "Hon, I need you to focus."

Me: *pulling out my eyelashes*

Josh: "When did we get this laptop? Was it less than a year ago? Because if so the cord is under warranty and-"

Me: "WHAT? How am I supposed to know when we got this laptop? Am I supposed to save receipts or something? It's a piece of crap stupid laptop anyway! They don't care about me! They just make stupid dumb crappy cords that can't even last a friggin' year and they KNOW it! Don't they know I haven't posted to my blog in three days, my giveaway needs attention, my FB page status is like from the 1980's, my IM friends have moved on, declaring me MIA, and I even miss Twitter! MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Josh: "Would you say it was around March of last year?"

Me: *sigh* Sure.

Josh disappeared as I found myself desperately wanting to tweet about this devastating turn of events, and I don't even friggin' tweet!

Josh returned from the phone call to find me actually hanging from the ceiling fan.

Josh: "OK it's ordered. Please get down."

Me: "When is it coming?"

Josh: "Um not sure, the guy didn't know." *packing things quickly to make a life-saving escape from the house*

Me: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Is it two days? Two weeks? TWO YEARS! FRIGGIN' FRACK FOR THE LOVE! Why didn't he know??? How could he NOT KNOW? He is a LIAR! Didn't you tell him this was an emergency? Do they really want me to slam them all over the internet in two years when I get my cord? I bet they know. I am never getting that cord! Dell is SO STUPID! I CANNOT GO ON!!!!" *banging head on sharp objects*

Josh left to move on with the day while I spent the day running up and down the stairs to check our big computer in between dealing with my kids, crying in the bathroom and toying with the idea of buying a Mac. Life hadn't been that hard in a long while.

But guess what? The cord came the NEXT DAY! And even though we weren't able to produce a receipt proving the cord was under warranty they honored it anyway.

I love Dell. They are awesome.

A Valentine's Day Giveaway Full of Hugs and Loves that are So Stinking Sweet You'll Want to Scream!

Ohhhhhhhhh joy! It's February and luuuuuuuuv is in the air! Actually, the smell of chocolate is in the air, and it is taking everything I have within me to NOT buy those heart-shaped boxes full of chocolates at Rite Aid, and walk right outside those automatic doors, and swallow all 40 of them whole, tossing the box in the garbage can next to me. Especially when they are 50% off.

Anyway...

What better gift is there to give yourself (or someone else who is addicted to 50% off Rite Aid chocolates) then, if you're desperately trying to hold to your New Year's Resolution of no longer inhaling chocolates (boooo!) than SOAP! And not just any soap...

So Stinking Sweet on Etsy has graciously agreed to again hold a giveaway on my lil' blog! Her soaps are, well, SO Stinking SWEET! I love them!

Just look at those wonderful concoctions of cleanliness! Click on them and learn about all of her soaps!! Soaps made with the highest quality ingredients, including goats milk, and even vegan soap! Soap for everyone!! And she has body souffles and lip balms and perfumes and and and and YAY!!!!!!!!

Aren't you just rolling in dirt right now, getting all filthy, anxiously waiting to see what you get to wash off with if you win? Well, here it is!

OH YUM! The prize is a pair of Juicy Baby Ruby Red Grapefruit Valentine Heart Conversation Shea Butter Soaps! Say that 10 times fast!

And, not only is this soap as sweet as can be, it has BODY SAFE GLITTER in it, so you're all smelly good and sparkly pretty too! Gotta love the sparkly!

So let's get to it ya'll, here's how to enter and win you some Valentine's sweetness...

Mandatory entry:

-Visit So Stinking Sweet on Etsy and come back here, commenting with a link of your favorite item. (worth one entry)

The following are additional entries. Please leave each entry IN SEPARATE COMMENTS. Sorry for yelling, just want to be clear:

-Tell me your best (or worst) Valentine's Day gift ever (worth 1 entry).

-Tweet this giveaway! You can do this once per day until the end of the giveaway, leaving me a daily comment with the daily tweet link (worth 1 entry, per tweet, per day).

-Blog about this giveaway, come back here leaving me a comment with the link (worth 5 entries!)..

-Buy an item from So Stinking Sweet during this giveaway, and leave me a comment. Once it is verified you will be given credit (worth 10 entries!).

Oh man I wish I could enter!

This giveaway runs February 1st-10th, 2010. The winner will be selected via the Random Number Generator (RNG) on 2/10 at 12pm, EST. The winner has 2 days to contact me, and in the event that the winner is hiding in a corner, eating chocolates and therefor misses my e-mail, I will have the RGN choose a new winner. A great prize in your hot and chocolate-smudged hands before V-day! Woot!

AND check out my side bar for two other luscious giveaways happening at this very moment over at Sounds Like Tomatoes and Much More Than Mommy! You plan this right, you won't have to buy ANYTHING at all for Valentine's Day! WOOOOOT!

Good luck to you! I hope you win! And by you of COURSE I mean you!

R.I.P Piney, August 2000 - January 2010

*Moment of silence*

He's dead ya'll.

Dead, as in, dead.

Many, many years ago, he started out, so small and frail, yet so full of life. He endured hardships through the years, and many painful prunings, but, he endured.

And as he grew in strength he protected those around him, always thinking more of others than himself.

Then his time came, his time to shine had finally arrived. He traveled a long and treacherous journey to end up in a tiny town called Lexington in November of 2009.

And on Black Friday, when folks were swiping their credit cards with feverish glee in retail department stores, he was carefully chosen by us from among many to become our own...

As he was deemed superior compared to the rest (and his price was right and he would fit through our sliding glass door).

So we cradled him with love and care in preparation for the long ride home (which was about two minutes strapped to the roof of our car).

Soon he was adorned with jewels, precious stones and symbols of love (namely Wal-Mart colored balls and hand-painted ornaments from Michaels). Oh! and those new LED lights (dang they're expensive, but, they conserve electricity!!).

And in the night I would sit and stare at him as he glowed brightly with majestic beauty. My first real Christmas tree. I fell in love and named him Piney.

He provided shelter for our gifts, the fragrant scent of fresh pine, and constant air filtration from dust and pollen in our living room.

Our Christmas morning was amazing. For a month he had waited patiently, not shedding a needle, or bearing alien spider monsters that would freak me out and cause me to set him on fire. At this point, I couldn't imagine life without him...

The season came to an end, and the adornments were removed, yet as the weeks went by I showered him with words of love, and gentle caresses, and bleach-infused waterings every other day. He yearned to live, I could see it in the little pine cones he bore...

But as the weeks went on, I could tell he was growing frail instead of growing roots. I felt dirty, evil, and wasteful, because I missed recycling week way back in the beginning of January...

So I honored his last wish, to represent TWO holidays before he passed on, and we adorned him with hearts, the symbol of our undying love...

And in the last days, when I would caress him, or play his favorite game, "pull my finger" with him, in which he would emit a fresh pine smell, I would only get handfulls of pine needles, and have to turn away so he wouldn't see me crying...

The time had come. But I held out, hoping he would make a comeback, hoping his drying-out needles were just due to the low humidity and the lull of January in general. And then, to my horror, I saw this while taking out the garbage...

A brother from another mother! He was trying desperately to reach out to me so I could save him! But, due to all the un-recycled boxes and gross neighbor filth and rusty protrusions that could give me tetanus I could not. It was worse than that scene in Dumbo. I could not let Piney know of my grisly find.

Alas, it was time. He had made it two months...see my phone?

Remember, I cannot manipulate my phone, or time, or my emotions...

Audrey did the honors of removing his seasonal decor...and, we said our goodbyes.

We gently laid him against the recycled glass bin, where shattered pieces of glass, like my heart, sat in the cold dark cavern of nothingness (ya know until they become another beer bottle or something).

I turned back to say goodbye one last time, and to sing a few bars of My Heart Will Go On, before my eyes welled up and I tripped on the concrete in my PJs in front of the college dude getting files out of his car...

And then...

I saw...

As he was carried out, I saw that he had left me a piece of his heart...or really a branch.

And I was filled with bitter-sweetness, which is my favorite kind of chocolate. And here he will sit, with other mementos, forever.

Rest in pieces Piney, hopefully by providing shelter in ponds for fish and supporting erosion borders.







For facts about real Christmas trees, click here.